My Baby
by theplaywrite
Summary: After Mary lost her eyesight, she believed having children was out of the question. That feeling did not change, even after the birth of her son. Will that emotion cause her to do something unbelievable? If there was fire, wouldn't any mother grab her infant child first?


I was sitting on my bed, rocking my son's crib. It had been a long day for everyone. The blind school Hester-Sue, my husband and I ran held its first year anniversary celebration. It was also a fundraiser for the last of the funds needed to start the new addition on the blind school. Adam, Hester-Sue and Alice Garvey were downstairs finishing up the dishes and putting the last of the blind children to bed.

I leaned over and picked up my baby, Adam Jr. I brushed my thumb over his forehead. He made a few small sounds. I cannot see what my baby looks like. No matter what I have told people, I never stopped having reservations about having children.

Before I married Adam, I was so concerned about being blind and having children, that I almost did not marry him. He reminded me that we take care of dozens of children and I have no problem with that, but they are blind and not my own children. I remember when I had my first miscarriage, of course I was in pain, but I also was relieved. I felt that I was not at all ready for raising a baby. I would never tell anyone though.

I felt terrible. Even though I have a son now, I still am unsure about having children. Sometimes when I wake up and go to him, it feels like I am taking care of someone else's baby. I know it is wrong, but I cannot even help it. I do not want Adam Jr. to grow up and something would happen to him. I always was very responsible as a kid, but I did not want the responsibility of a child anymore.

I did it for Adam. He wanted children and a home and a job. Adam wanted a life that anyone else could have. He was okay with being blind and still living a normal life. I am not. Ever since I started working at the blind school as a teacher, that is all I ever wanted to do again. Teach and live in the blind school. That is everything I wanted and the only thing I could have.

I do not want to raise a child being blind.

I put my son back in his crib and opened his music box, so he would fall asleep. I hummed along with the tone.

"Mary, Hester-Sue was going to put some coffee on. Do you want to come down?" I heard Adam ask me from the doorway.

"In a minute. Let me just finish putting you son down."

I heard Adam walk besides me. "You better not be giving your mother trouble. Boy, he is strong, just like his mother. Good night muscles."

I smiled. "Are you talking to me or him?"

"Both." Adam walked out, leaving me alone with my son.

A few minutes went by. I could smell the coffee from downstairs. I was too tired to walk down and be social tonight. I just wanted to rest. Then I heard the door open again.

"Mary. Come on. There is a fire. We have to get the children." Adam grabbed my arm.

The blind children needed my help. I left my son in his crib and went with Adam. We quickly made our way to other bedrooms and got every child out. I got all of the girls out and stopped at the top of the staircase. Adam was already making his way downstairs with the boys. The air around me was getting hot and I got feel flames on the walls next to me.

"The baby."

I did not know if I should go back and get him. What if I could not find my way out with my baby? I cannot see the fire. Why risk two lives instead of one? I did not know what to do.

"Do not worry. I will get him."

I heard Mrs. Garvey say as she motioned me to get out of the house with the other children. I ran outside and sat with them. I held onto some of the younger children to calm them down. I could hear the fire, burning down the building my husband and I worked so hard to create. Then, I realized something.

"Hester-Sue, where is Alice and the baby?" Adam asked.

I did not know what came over me. All the stress and restless nights came forward. "My baby. My baby. My baby! My baby! My baby!"

Hester-Sue started to scream. "Adam, no! It is to late! It is to late."

My baby was not coming out of the fiery building. I gazed in udder shock.

* * *

My ma was sitting besides me, trying to comfort me. She was saying stuff like everything was going to be alright, I think. I could not get my own thoughts out of my head. I should have grabbed my son when I had the chance. It should not have been Alice. Now, they both were gone.

I felt at blame. I told myself I would not be able to handle a child. I said to myself over and over again that I did not want children, even after I gave birth. God heard those words in my head, so he took my son away. I knew it. I never should have tried to have children.

Nothing was going to be the same. The blind school was gone. The children left. Adam would be morning his son. This was not I dreamed my life would be. No one would understand. How could they? I did not want to talk to anyone.

Many people were walking around where the blind school once stood, trying to figure out what happened. Adam was somewhere. I could not face him after what I had been thinking about; not having a son, then having his son taken away.

I just wanted to rest.

* * *

I woke up on a bed, but it was not my own.

"Adam?" I sat up and screamed.

"It is okay, Mary. I am right here."

I felt so confused. "This is not our bed. Where are we?"

"Mary, we are at Nellie's."

Then it came back to me. The fire. The school. My baby. I remembered everything, but I did not want to believe it. I should have grabbed my son. I put everyone through a tragedy. I could not believe it. I refused to believe it. It was just a dream.

"Adam, why are we at Nellie's? Why are we at Nellie's?" I knew why, but maybe if Adam said something different.

"The fire. Remember. The blind school burned down." Adam said to me. No. Maybe my son was still alive?

"Where is our baby? Adam, where is my baby? Adam, give me my baby! I want him!" I did not believe him. It was a dream.

"Mary, our baby...died...in the fire."

"You are lying! You are Lying! Lying! Lies! Lies! Lies!" I yelled. I tried to get up and get away from Adam.

It was not true. It was not true.

* * *

I heard something. Music. Some kind of music. It was the music I played for my son on that music box. Where was he?

"My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby." I would keep screaming until I got my baby back.

"I did not mean it. I am sorry. It was an accident. Oh, I did not mean it." Who was that and what did he mean an accident?

I kept screaming. It was all my fault. I wished my baby away and now he was gone.

"My baby! My baby! My baby."

* * *

"Ma. Pa."

I could hear my ma whispering to me. "It is alright, Mary. I am here."

"Pa?" I opened my eyes.

"I am right here too, Mary." I could hear him at my feet.

"Ma. My baby. My baby is gone. He dead in the fire. It was all true."

Ma came in and hugged me.

"Adam. Where is Adam?" I wanted to her my husband's voice. I wanted to say that I was sorry, about everything.

"He is back at the house. Laura and Albert are looking after him." Pa told me. Wait.

"Albert. He was here. He was saying something to me." I started to remember.

My pa continued. "He wanted to give you the music box as a present. You gave him quite a fright."

"The music. Albert said something to me. He said that he was sorry. That he did not mean it. It was an accident."

"Charles," Hester-Sue was here too. "The day of the fire...well, I never even considered anything. I saw Albert and Clay in the basement. Now, I showed them out, but I did not see what they were doing down there."

I heard pa's boots on the floor as he walked out of the room.

* * *

It had been a few months since the fire at the old blind school. Laura had been able to find us a building to start a new school in Sleepy Eye. It was bigger and needed less renovations than the old one. City life would take some time to get used to, but I went through it once before.

"I think we should have the children review their multiplication tomorrow." Adam spoke to me from the desk in our room. I was sitting on the bed brushing my hair.

"Alright. Now put that work away and come to bed." I laughed a bit.

Adam walked over to me. He kissed my check and jumped under the covers.

"Adam." I bit my tongue.

"Yea?"

For months, I have wanted to tell my husband about our late son. I wanted to tell him all my thoughts about not having children, how I would never be ready to have children of my own, how God my have taken away our son for a reason because of me and everything else. I could not hurt him though.

"This is the life that I always dreamed of having with you. I love you."

He kissed my lips, just as he did when we kissed for the very first time.


End file.
